I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
