I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
