Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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