Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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