I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
