not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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