im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
