I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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