We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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