i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
