You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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