dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
