I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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