I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
