so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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