I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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