Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
