So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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