So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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