What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
