ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
