I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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