My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
