Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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