What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
