can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
