we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
