I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
