If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
smell my finger.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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