If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
