just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
