So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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