I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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