i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
