Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
