remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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