Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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