i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
