It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
