i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
