On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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