Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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