Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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