as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize