life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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