We're like a lot better than the average bears
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
