You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
