Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
