apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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