R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
